There is something rather peculiar about classical music. The so called scientists (are these the same buffoons too lazy to find the g-spot?) claim that it relaxes the mind and body and allows you to concentrate, within a certain tempo range. They say this applies to every human on the planet, as we all have the same noggin’.
So then what the hell is wrong with ME? Why am I the unlucky bastard?
Here’s my scenario: classical music stresses me out. To the point where I will have iTunes on random, listen to Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and then have a mini panic attack when Ballade in A Flat, Op. 47 comes on because of fear of an explosion.
Regardless of my ‘let’s not comment’ ribbon, you’re probably still all like, “dude, u r liek soo weeiirrdddd!! ur teh biggest tool i knowz!” which is cool, I guess. I mean, it’s true.
I think I know why classical music stresses me out though. Reason? It’s TOO calm. Like you just know something this calm can only be the eye of the storm, you know shit’s about to go down something bad’s gonna happen. Kind of like in a horror movie when the protagonist is walking through the dark scary tunnel and whispers “I don’t like this, it’s too quiet” right before a swamp-robot-monster-alien-zombie-jesus jumps out and devours the black guy. Side note! I’m not being racist, it just always seems the black guy is eaten or decapitated or I dunno… eaten… first. Characters are always killed off in this order: black guy —> dumb blonde —> progatonist’s best friend —> smart girl/protagonist’s girlfriend. Which sucks… the black guy should be there for as long as possible. He always makes the best jokes.
But I dunno. In real life, I think people would be smarter than to venture down a grungy skeleton-littered corridor chasing the little dog. If it were me I’d just say screw the dog, there’s probably a swamp-robot-monster-alien-zombie-jesus in there.
Yes, classical music. Chopin. Tchaikovsky. Dvořák. Mozart. I loathe them all. The calming effect has me thinking that something big or bad is obligated to occur. As my girlfriend says, it gives me a stress headache. Beethoven’s 5th Symphony may as well be the Jaws theme to me.
What are your guys’s thoughts? Send me an @reply on twitter and remember to follow! Catch you on the flipside, homeskillet.
P.S. I apologize for my usage of ‘homeskillet.’ Do forgive.
P.P.S. I also apologize for the typo in the header image. Again, do forgive.
