Ever since my first raptor encounter 2 years, 3 months and 18 days ago, I have been unable to shake the predator from my mind. I should be more famous than I am, seeing as I am one of the — what is it, like 12? — few survivors of known velociraptor attacks. I won’t go into the horrific details of that experience, but instead prepare you for the inevitable raptor apocalypse.
Let’s dive right in.
First, it is important to understand your enemy. Let’s take a look at the raptor, specifically the velociraptor (although this would also apply to the utahraptor and deinonychus).
1. THERE IS NEVER ONE Just because you see one raptor, doesn’t mean that there is only one. Velociraptors hunt in packs, and since they are always hunting, they are therefore always in packs.
2. DOORS? NO, FUCK DOORS A door? Stopping a raptor? <insert laughter here> Raptors are very intelligent. Although a door may stop a zombie, it will not a raptor. It will slow it down for sure (see below), but you are never safe.
3. NO ESCAPE They’ve been clocked at 28 m/s, but in my personal experience I’ve found them to be much quicker. There is no way you will be able to run away.
4. THEY ARE NOT SILLY GECKOES Raptors are highly intelligent animals. Sometimes they may do things that will make you say “ha! silly gecko!” and then they jump out from behind a planter-bed and bite you in the elbow.
5. BEWARE THE SICKLE The inside toe of each foot is armed with a 9 inch long sickle claw, and it will hurt if you touch it. So don’t. In fact, just stay as far away from it. And the teeth… don’t go near them either.
6. THAT’S SO LOW… Even in your ideal situation (see below), your chance of survival in a raptor related incident is still less than 39%.
No that you know a little big about velociraptors, you must now learn how to last longer against them. Notice I do not say survive. Yes, this is title “a survival guide,” but honestly that is naive. There is no surviving a raptor apocalypse. You may extend your living period, but it will come to end.
Realize it now that you cannot hunt these animals. However, there are methods and procedures you can take to have a better chance of survival, and maybe you just be the 3 people out of 10 to make it.
The first step, just like in any campaign, is awareness. Being in the know-how and knowledgeable about a situation will allow you to make better decision and not have your spleen mauled out by a ferocious cretaceous creature.
Know your raptors! Maybe you think “ohz dat silly thing ovar dere be jus’ an ornitholestes, I no worries!” No, that silly thing over there is not an ornitholestes. This is an ornitholestes. Knowledge is key, friend.
Once you have discovered that yes, infact, you have discovered a raptor, your next thought should not be
Don’t panic. Or do… you won’t have much time left. Spend it as you wish.
What, you think you’re gonna fend off a raptor with your fists? This step in all honesty is not that important as a melee weapon (sword, bat, golf club) may be good against animals and neighbours but not a minion of hell, and a gun is only useful if you manage to actually hit the raptor. What you should get is some food (prep it in sealed containers so it will not smell), water, and an intelligent friend. Pack lightly as we are about to go far away.
Note that if you must fight the velociraptors, then this will do just fine.
The only thing smart in the event of a raptor attack is to get as far away as possible from the creatures. Really, it’s not cowardly. There is a difference between heroic and stupidity, and against a raptor the former is non existent. Get out of there. Get your gear and go find settlement with the overly-anxious-zombie-survivors. There will be a camp somewhere.
Once you have found a location you are comfortable in, it is crucial that you raptor-proof wherever you are. Unfortunately there are no velociraptor exterminators yet to come spray down your house, but maybe one day. We can only hope, we can only hope…
These fine samaritans are idealistic examples of how to protect your abode from an oncoming attack, that is, permitted they followed you.
This is all the information I can possibly divulge… however I cannot stress enough the importance of don’t mess with a velociraptor! Just don’t do it! Just as some last minute tips:
1. Shut doors. No, there will not stop the raptors, but they will slow them down, giving you more time to escape.
2. A good understanding of mathematics will help you in a raptor situation. See here.
3. Getting in a vehicle will only help you if you can drive it fast.
That is all for now, friends. Until next time (we know the next will be here)!
